Chapter Fifteen


When we reached the top of the stairs, Derrick took me in to his arms, gazed into my eyes and said, “Tom, I love you sooo much. It really does hurt sometimes I love you so much. I dream about you when I am asleep and think about you when I am awake. Never in a million years did I think I would love anyone as much as I love you and I still have a hard time convincing myself that you love me.”


I smiled at my dark beauty and said, “It's just as much a surprise to me. I loved Keith—well, I still do, you know what I mean—and thought I could never love anyone as much, but I was wrong, I was so wrong. I love you a thousand million times more than I loved Keith. I want you with me every minute and I want to tell you I love you with every breath.” I drew Derrick's mouth to mine and  buried my tongue in his mouth. I slid my hands down his back and grasped his bubble butt in my hands, pulling us closer together.


I could feel Derrick's hardness against my own as we continued our kiss. Finally, hardly breaking our kiss, I lifted Derrick in my arms and carried him to our bed. I lay him on the bed and covered his body with mine. Derrick's arms encircled my body, his hands grasping my cheeks and pulling me tight against his groin. I began moving my hips in small circles, rubbing our hard cocks between us.


Derrick started massaging my ass cheeks and sliding a finger along my crack. My knees on each side of Derrick, I pulled them forward, pushing my ass in the air, exposing my rosebud. Each time Derrick's finger passed over it I felt an electric charge go through my body. As he continued, I pushed back against his finger. He stopped, kissed me and reached for the lube in his box.


All during the week we had made love and that included preparing each other for the next step in our love making. Derrick was so gentle and so concerned and that made me relax, trusting him. Now when the time had come for us to take that step, I continued thinking good thoughts as Derrick proved he had taken seriously our friend's comment that too much lube was about enough. His fingers were working a new magic. He finally whispered, "Are you ready, Sugar Bear?"


"Yes," I whispered in response as I rolled over on my back. I wanted to see my dark beauty as he entered me and he insisted on being able to see my face, "So I can see I am not hurting you."


When Derrick had reached for the lube, I got a condom. I put lube in the tip then rolled it on Derrick's hardness, then lubed it well.


Derrick was kneeling between my legs. He lifted my legs, placing them against his shoulders. He then started entering me slowly,  carefully, stopping any time he though he might be hurting me.  


As he filled me, I felt as if an empty spot inside was being filled as it should be. When he was finally completely inside, he rested, making sure I wasn't hurting.  Finally he started moving inside me. Then it happened. Derrick hit that magic spot inside Trey and Joe had told us about. I couldn't believe the electric charge rushing through my body, giving me incredible pleasure.  


Derrick continued moving in me slowly, but gradually pushing deeper inside and pulling out more. The pleasure he gave me made it impossible for me to last long and the same was true, I was sure for my lover. Sure enough, he pushed deep inside and stopped as I felt his cock start pulsing as his body grew stiff and he shouted. That was enough to send me over the edge and I spasmed as I, too, reached a climax which, literally, made me see stars.


When we both had finished pulsing, Derrick lay on my body and took my tongue into his mouth. Finally, breaking our kiss, he said, "Sugar Bear, I would never have believed anything could be so wonderful."


"Neither could I, Honey Bear."


We rested, Derrick's body atop mine, his cock still inside, exchanging butterfly kisses. Finally his soft cock slipped out of me and with a final kiss, he rolled off my body, kissed me soundly and crawled off the bed. He reached down and lifted me in his arms and carried me to the bathroom. He doffed the condom and said, “Let's shower.”


We had a great time in the shower, but it was in the nature of lovers playing rather than lovers having sex.


I sure thought I was as gentle and considerate of Derrick as he had been of me when I played with his rosebud. Nonetheless, I sensed he was not at all relaxed and I wondered if he did not trust me. I should have been free and open with Derrick and asked what I was doing wrong or why he was so uptight, but I didn't. Instead of being open and honest with my lover, I tried to find ways to make him relax, but found none. I also thought Derrick should have told me what was wrong. That was our agreement, but that didn't happen either.


I suppose you might think we spent all our time having sex, but we didn't. In fact, it was three days after the first time before Derrick once again--I hate the term “fucked me” since it sounds so impersonal, like Derrick did something to me I might not have wanted--before Derrick entered me the second time. It was fantastic--of course--and I sure wanted him to have the pleasure from my entering him as he had given me. Without giving any reason, the time was never right. I felt Derrick was making excuses and not telling me why he didn't want to experience having his lover enter him. I mean, if he found out he didn't like being a bottom, then OK, I'd sure respect that, but how did he know without trying it?


That night, after we had fantastic sex and Derrick had really made his being inside me wonderful, I started playing with his rosebud. He had used a couple of the sex toys getting me ready and when I tried he said, “Tom, none of that.”


The same thing happened the next afternoon when, after swimming, we had gone to the house and I discovered Derrick had stashed a condom and the lube on the front porch. He tossed a lounge cushion and the floor and we had a wonderful time and he, once again, entered me.


When he withdrew, I said, “Stay right where you are,” and dashed inside and came back in record time with a condom. I picked up the lube and started to use it to begin getting Derrick ready for me.


As I did he said, “Tom, I'm not into that.”


I didn't want to resent what Derrick was doing, but emotions are not something you can control. After we had cleaned up, I got dressed and told Derrick I needed some space and left him standing in our bedroom, his mouth open.


I started walking and before I knew it, found myself walking up the hill to the moon watching rock. I had never told Derrick about the night Keith and I had spend there and never planned to. It was not that I was afraid of his reaction; after all, it had happened before I met Derrick. I guess I did think about how Keith would react to Derrick knowing. But the real reason,and I was sure of that, was it was just too personal and too private. No, that didn't cover it. It was too sacred. It was a important part of my life before Derrick entered it and it was not something that really could be shared.


Anyway, as I walked, I turned over and over in my mind my feelings toward Derrick. I loved him so much it hurt, it really did at times. Certainly I had no complaints so far as our sex life was concerned. No, that wasn't exactly true. It's not that I thought my entering Derrick would make or break our relationship. It wasn't, I thought, really important so far as our sex life was concerned. What really had me upset--and I was upset, I'll admit that--was that Derrick made sure I didn't do with him what he had done with me. Not only that, but he simply ignored what I might have wanted to do. I was getting my thoughts in a tangle, but when I got right down to it, I felt Derrick had used me and continued to use me. What had been glorious and wonderful now looked tawdry--that great word again! Derrick was fucking me! That's how I felt.


I had long since climbed the hill and was sitting on the moon watching rock, thinking about my feelings concerning Derrick. Before I knew it, I had worked up a good mad. As I have said, I had a temper to match my red hair and it was boiling over. “I ought just to go down there and tell Derrick, 'Get your ass in the air, Lover, because I'm coming in!' That's what I ought to do and I'm ready to do it!” I gathered myself together and headed down the mountain in long strides. I was really boiling.     


Fortunately, by the time I was halfway down the mountain, I was cooling off. Before I reached the house, I had pretty much come to my senses. I wasn't ready to pretend nothing was amiss in our relationship, but I was also unwilling to blast in without trying to find out what was wrong.


“Derrick, Derrick, where are you?” I called as I walked in the front door. There was no answer and Derrick was nowhere in the house.


He couldn't have gone too far since he would have had to walk and he was city boy enough not to venture too far. In fact, he'd barely move outside the house unless I was with him. “There's probably bears and tigers in these woods,” he said on his first visit.


“No tigers,” I had assured him, but said nothing of bears. Sure enough, the next day we saw a bear and her cubs walking across the front yard.


Anyway, I was sure he hadn't gone far, and in fact, was pretty sure he had gone to the river. That was the one place outside he'd go far enough not to see the cabin. I think he might have fought a mama bear had she decided to keep him from the river.


I walked out of the cabin and headed to the river. By now I was cooled down and realized all I really wanted from Derrick was an an explanation, a reason for his behavior. Knowing my lover as I did, I suspected he had reason, a reasonable explanation for how he was behaving. And if not? Well, he'd have me to deal with, but a calm and collected me.


I didn't call out as I approached the river and when I rounded a bend in the trail, saw Derrick sitting in the middle of the large, flat rock which extended out over the river, a rock that was used as a diving platform and a place for lying in the sun or, in my case, lying in the dappled shade of the large trees overhanging one side of it.


Derrick was sitting with his head down, his forehead resting on his knees. He looked up when I finally called his name and I saw his face was tear streaked and tears where still falling down his cheeks.


As I sat down beside Derrick, he turned to me, and what had been silent weeping became crying in earnest, tears flooding his face. I was at a loss as to what I should do, so I just sat beside him, silent. Derrick put his arms around my neck, rested his head on my shoulder, his body shaken by great sobs.


I put my arms around Derrick and held him close until he got control of himself or cried himself out. When Derrick finally stopped crying, he looked up and pulled my lips to his in a crushing kiss. His kiss became more and more passionate. He sucked my tongue into his mouth and he brought his own into play. He continued his passionate kiss as he started breathing through my mouth.


Finally he broke the kiss and looked into my eyes and said, “Tom, I know I have hurt you and you deserve to know why I have been acting like a jerk.” Derrick paused, I guess maybe to give me time to object, but I didn't. What he said was what I had been thinking. “Babe, I am in heaven when I am inside you. It's not just the sex, 'though, Man, that is unbelievable! I feel like we are united, not just physically, but, I guess, in spirit as well. I feel like we are one. Is it that way for you?”


I didn't bother pointing out that I was in a different role or a different position--definitely a different position. “Derrick, for me it's more like giving myself to you, totally and completely. I am completely yours, I mean I am always, but not physically. Understand?”


Derrick hung his head again, then looked up with fresh tears in his eyes and said, “Oh, yes, I think I do understand. Yes, I think I do.” Derrick was silent again, staring across the river. Finally he looked at me and said, “Tom, I need to try to explain something which is very hard for me to do. I was terrified when you walked out. I am still frightened, terrified that I may lose you. I love you more than I can ever tell you. You are my whole world. When I am honest with myself, I know that life would simply not be worth living without you in it. Aside from  my Grams, you are the only person in the world who really cares whether I live or die. If you can begin to understand that, then you can see why I am terrified at the possibility that I might lose you.”


I started to speak, but  Derrick placed his fingers against my mouth. “Shhhh, Tom, I need to get through this and I'm not sure I can unless I can get it all out.” I nodded and Derrick removed his fingers and kissed me softly, gently.


“Tom, you can never know what it's like being black. Maybe you get a small taste when you run against prejudice because you are gay, but unless you tell someone or do something like kiss me in front of people, no one would know. People have gone for years without anyone knowing they were gay. But there is no way I cannot be black. I can dress anyway I want to, I can make my hair blond, I can kinda bleach my skin--Michael Jackson like--do whatever I want to do, but I will still be black.”


“That cannot be changed or hidden, so I am always subject to white man's prejudice--subtle or blatant, bad spirited or just ignorant. No black man grows up without being told about white prejudice, white oppression, white domination. You see where this is headed? See my problem?”


I wasn't sure--well, I thought I had a pretty good idea and started to speak, but Derrick,once again, pressed a finger to my lips.


“It's just as you said, that for you, it's more like giving yourself to me, totally and completely. That you are completely mine. You said, 'I am completely yours, I mean I am always, but not physically.' And, Tom, I feel that, I know that. You submit yourself to me--completely, totally. You are under my control. I dominate you. I know those are not all words you would use. I mean, you submit yourself to me, no reservations. You do that out of love and in trust of me. I KNOW that. I seriously doubt that you would accept the word dominate. That's a word about how masters relate to slaves. They DOMINATE the slave. Tom, I KNOW you would never accept that as my intention or what you are doing. But you've not lived your whole life being warned against allowing a white man to get the upper hand, to dominate you. I have.”


“Sugar Bear, I never thought of my dominating you, but as accepting what you were freely offering, your body and your love, but then...well, when I thought about giving myself to you, giving my body to you as you have given yours, I couldn't. The voices in my head shouted the old warnings about what a white man wants of a black man. Can you understand? Can you forgive me?”


I gazed deep into Derrick's eyes, kissed him gently, and said, “Derrick, I don't know how to forgive you from what was beyond your control, but what I find hard to accept and, yes, forgive, is your lack of trust in me. Not, I mean, about your not trusting me with your body--you know--but not trusting me enough to tell me what was wrong.”


“I guess you've never seen it, but I do have a nasty temper and had things been a bit different, I am afraid I might have said things, hurtful things, things which would have driven a wedge between us, a wedge which would be hard to remove. You--and I--are going to have to work hard at creating a trust between us so deep and so solid, nothing will shake it. That's a lot more important than any particular way of showing our love through sex.”


Derrick and I talked a long, long time about trust. I think both of us realized how close we had come to hurting each other and, as Derrick said, of how he had hurt me. We then talked about the problem with our sex life. The longer we talked, the more I realized how serious Derrick's fear of domination was. At the same time, Derrick was coming to realize that a big part of that problem was physical. The truth of the matter was the way he had been taking the offering of my body meant he was in control.


“Derrick, this could have been a problem for Joe and Trey. Why don't we talk to them?” I suggested.


“You mean now?”


“Well, as soon as we get to the cabin and the phone.”

We were lucky and caught both Trey and Joe at home. Derrick decided he'd explain what was going on and as soon as he got half thorough, Trey had said, “Honey, you got a problem Trey never had. Dominated? Oppressed? I'll take what my man has to offer me any time, any place, any way. I have never got enough of my white boy.”


Joe was a bit more practical. He said to Derrick, “You got a problem with being out of control, then sit on it!”


“Sit on it?” Derrick had asked in a puzzled voice.


“Yes, sit on it. Surely if you have seen twenty minutes of a gay porn flick you know what I mean. I mean sit on Tom's cock and you'll be in control.”


We talked with the two for maybe twenty minutes longer than Trey said, “Baby, I don't know about those young dudes, but us older and more mature men think too much talk and too little action is the problem with half the couples we know. Talk to you two later.”


“Guys, I think Trey is trying to tell me something. Take care.”


A few minutes after I had closed the phone, Derrick appeared from upstairs, his box from Joe and Trey in his hand. I took my own, slow easy time preparing Derrick for my entry. Finally he said, “Now, Tom, now!”


I lay on my back and Derrick straddled my body and slowly lowered himself, in complete control of the situation, until my manhood was completely inside him. He was holding most of his weight from me with his arms which were slightly behind his body, his hands on the floor.


Half an hour later, Derrick lay across my body, panting. When he had recovered his breath he said, “WOW! Damn! I was one damn fool for missing out on having you inside me; that's for damn sure. WOW!


We lay, wrapped in each other's arms for a long while, exchanging kisses. Our kisses started out soft and gentle, but became more and more passionate. The build up was fantastic. Finally, I said, “Derrick, love me.” I guess it didn't take a rocket scientist to know what I meant and Derrick is no dumb bunny.


Derrick again lowered himself onto my hot, stiff rod, but soon he, without withdrawing, rolled over and I found myself between his legs, facing him. Derrick smiled that heart breaking smile of his and said, “I'm yours, Sugar Bear.”


In the weeks and months ahead, our love making got better and better, just as Trey and Joe said it would. And, as I guess anyone could have predicted, there was never another problem between us with it.


That didn't mean we never had other problems, we did. Few of them were serious and those which were were not allowed to grow and become more serious for lack of good communication. We had learned that important lesson well.


When we saw Trey and Joe a few weeks later, we talked at length about our misunderstanding. Both our mentors warned us that racism would rear it's ugly head from time to time. They said we both needed to know that, but Derrick needed to be sure he didn't have his “race radar” scanning my every word. “If you remember the man is in love with you, you'll know anything you might consider racism, Derrick, is a result of ignorance,” Trey said.


“And, Tom, you need to know racial slurs you do not intend may well slip out of your mouth because you have grown up in the white world, the southern white world,” Joe said. “Both of you remember that communication is crucial, critical.”


After we had gotten our problem out of the way, the rest of the week was idyllic. We swam, we read, we ate, we took walks and we made love. When we finished our last breakfast with just the two of us, Derrick said, “I guess we need to make sure everything is in order before your parents arrive.”


“I think it might be well to get dressed as well,” I added.


We spent about an hour getting things in shape. Fortunately, unlike our rooms at home, we had kept everything pretty much in order so there was not a lot to do. We did make sure we had rounded up the things which belonged in our boxes and put them away in our room.


We had just finished when Keith arrived. We didn't have to be told his life was going well. He was practically glowing. While Derrick and I got lunch ready, he told us about his trip to Mississippi. Janice was still working, so he spent a lot of time with Josh. “He's a really great guy,” Keith said, “and I think maybe bats for your team. We did a lot of swimming, hiked some pretty wild places—swamps, really—and talked a lot. I really enjoyed the time I spent with him.”


“And not with Janice?” Derrick asked with an evil glint in his eye.


“Enjoyed the time I spent with her? No, I wouldn't say that. Enjoyed is too mild. I had a fantastic, unbelievable, beautiful time with her. I could never have imagined what time with her could be like. I think all three of us will enjoy having them in Atlanta,” Keith said and it would turn out he was right!


When Mom and Dad arrived, they had a handful of postcards from Queen and a couple from Trey and Joe when they had been with her in Fiji. Mom and Dad said they were interested in doing an around the world tour when the retired in a year or two.


The five of us really enjoyed our final week and it was over too soon. Reluctantly, we got everything packed and left North Carolina late Sunday since Mom and Dad had pre-planning days the following week and Keith, Derrick and I had things to do to get ready for school which started Tuesday week, the day after Labor Day. In spite of a wonderful summer, I was kinda anxious to get back in school.